I'll Be Fuhrer
by Anime Monster
Summary: When Roy drinks the whole contents of an industrial sized coffee maker with a full bag of sugar, bad things happen. Guard your sporks. No Shonenai or yaoi.
1. Too Much of a Good Thing

Disclaimer: If I owned Fullmetal Alchemist, one do you really think this wouldn't be an episode? and two, there would be a lot more EdXRoy.

Author's Note: This idea came from reading A superdooper happy funtastic week, by Harada Risa.

Um, if I manage to put in any pairings, RoyXEd (definitely), AlXHawkeye (possibly)

This is a crack fic.

* * *

**I'll Be Fuhrer**

**Chapter One: Too Much of A Good Thing**

"Lieutenant, I need some coffee," Roy said as he signed another paper.

"Sir, I think you've had too much coffee this morning," Hawkeye said. "If you don't stop drinking it, you'll have to pee really bad later."

Roy giggled, "You said pee."

Riza Hawkeye knew something was wrong and was about to grab her gun when a blue dash flew by and towards the break room.

She fallowed the streak and was amazed by the amount of coffee Roy was drinking. He was drinking the whole contents of a full industrial sized coffee maker. That wasn't the worst part, he had dumped a full bag of sugar into the mix.

**Five Minutes Later**

After Roy Mustang finished the coffee he got a crazy look in his eye. Riza Hawkeye did something she rarely did, she retreated, hastily. She needed reinforcements.

Meanwhile, it wasn't a very good idea to leave a hyper alchemist to his own devices in the middle of the break room.

"NOW I CAN PUT MY PLAN INTO ACTION," Roy shouted laughing manically. He grabbed all the sporks he could find and then cried, "There isn't enough."

He ran from the break room carrying a large box of 1,000 sporks to the lunch room.

**Lunch Room**

Edward sat down and was about to pick up his spork to eat his ration of lunch room slop when the eating utensil was taken from him by a very familiar glove.

"SPORK! SPORK!" Roy was shouting as he went around the lunch room grabbing people's sporks.

Ed was worried. Hughes looked up from the picture of his daughter that he was showing a random soldier, who didn't give a damn. "Roy, why are you stealing everyone's sporks? I'm sure they want to eat their meals," he asked as the extremely hyper alchemist ran by.

"CAN'T TALK, NEED MORE SPORKS!" Roy shouted as he ran to the back, now with 10,000 plus sporks in his box.

"I sense something bad," Ed said, Al and Maes Hughes nodded. The three of them retreated to the safety of Roy's office where a certain blonde lieutenant was making phone calls.

End Chapter

* * *

What's Roy doing with the sporks? I can't say now, I don't want to spoil it, but the title will make sense next chapter. Oh and Roy finds more coffee. 


	2. March Sporks, March

Disclaimer: If I owned Fullmetal Alchemist, one do you really think this wouldn't be an episode? and two, there would be a lot more EdXRoy.

Author's Note: This idea came from reading A superdooper happy funtastic week, by Harada Risa.

Thank you Harada Risa for the review.

Um, if I manage to put in any pairings, RoyXEd (definitely), AlXHawkeye (possibly)

This is a crack fic.

**I'll Be Fuhrer  
Chapter Two: March Sporks, March!**

Roy ran into a supply closet, leaving boxes and boxes of sporks to clutter the hallway. He had found the cafeteria's spork supply and had added that to his mountains of half spoon/half fork utensils.

Jean Havoc navigated down the hallway, dodging boxes of sporks wondering if there was something up. He was walking by the supply closet when he heard shouting and banging noises. Having a very dirty mind, Jean Havoc did something he shouldn't have.

He opened the door.

Inside was Roy Mustang wearing a toilet paper banner across his chest and a crown made out of dried cafeteria slop. The worst, though, was that he had made himself a diaper out of coffee filters and was wearing it, mercifully, over his uniform pants.

As the others before him, Havoc retreated to the safety of the office. He started walking faster when Roy shouted, "EUREKA!"

Roy walked back to the cafeteria, dragging his boxes of sporks behind him. How was he able to drag seven boxes of sporks, a full can of purple paint, **and** a set of paint brushes? The world may never know.

Roy began drawing a large transmutation circle on the cafeteria floor using the purple paint and paint brushes. After he was finished, he decided he was thirsty.

**Cafeteria Kitchen**

After Roy came in and stole all of the sporks, the cafeteria staff decided to make lots of coffee, since they figured they'd have to make a lot of orders for sporks and wait all night to get the emergency supply.

However, they didn't plan on fueling Roy's insanity even more.

Roy came in, after finishing his circle, and grabbed the industrial sized coffee maker that the kitchen staff was using to make coffee. All of the cooks took one look at Roy's outfit and they left the kitchen in fear. Roy grabbed a bag of sugar and poured it in the large pot of coffee.

He than drank another industrial sized pot of coffee.

**A half hour later**

The paint was dry, Roy's coffee had been drank, and now he was pouring over a million sporks onto the transmutation circle. Standing back from his work he smiled evilly. He placed his hands on the circle and activated it. The sporks began to morph.

"LIVE MY ARMY! LIVE!" he shouted, laughing manically. "MUHAHAHAHAHA!"

The sporks began to rise from the floor. On two legs they stood. Their legs came out of the handle and the round pronged part became their heads.

"MUHAHAHAHA!" he laughed. "NOW MY SPORK ARMY, WE WILL MAKE ME FUHRER!"

"..." the sporks said, but got into columns and rows and brigades and armies.

Chapter End

* * *

Roy is on an agenda now. He has a purpose. And there is nothing worst then a hyper person with a purpose. 


	3. To McDonald's For More Coffee

Disclaimer: If I owned Fullmetal Alchemist, one do you really think this wouldn't be an episode? and two, there would be a lot more EdXRoy.

Author's Note: This idea came from reading A superdooper happy funtastic week, by Harada Risa.

Thanks Harada Risa, FiReChAoS347, Madam Midnight, kori hime, crazgrl017, Shale 101, A Mid-Boss named Malik, and Chaos of Hearts.

I've been asked to do one of these stories with an insane Ed. I've also been asked about miniskirts. This is my answer:

**SEQUEL IN THE WORKS**. TWT five years after this one. Ed will be 21. Ed will be drunk. The title will be **I Bet**. IT WILL BE ROYXED, this one is no pairing.

This is a crack fic.

Info from http : www . fullmetalalchemist . info / character3 . html Spoiler warnings.

**I'll Be Fuhrer**

**Chapter Three: To McDonald's For More Coffee**

"What are we going to do about taisa?" First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye sat down at the meeting table. Lieutenant Colonel Maes Hughes, Major Alexander "Strong Arm" Armstrong, Second Lieutenant Heymans Breda, Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc, Frist Lieutenant Maria Ross, Warrant Officer Vato Farman, Sergeant Major Kain Feury, Sergeant Denny Brosh, Sheska, Major Edward "Fullmetal" Elric, and Alphonse Elric all set around the table, Hughes at the head, being the highest ranked.

"Why don't we just grab taisa and tie him to a chair until the caffeine wears off," Ed said.

"Roy once had a girlfriend who liked things kinky, he learned to break through rope," Hughes said.

"Too much information in one day," Ed said.

"Ano, sirs," Fuery said from near the window.

"Yes, Fuery," Armstrong said.

"You might want to take a look at this," Sheska said.

"What's going on?" Alphonse said as everyone got up and walked to the window.

Standing on the steps was Colonel "Flame" Mustang in toilet paper, coffee filters, lunch slop and all directing an army of massive portions made up completely of sporks.

"He isn't about to do what I think he's about to do, is he?" Havoc said.

"He is," Hughes said.

"He's going to overthrow the government," Hawkeye said.

"WITH SPORKS!" everyone shouted.

"Apparently," Hawkeye replied.

"We have to stop him," Al said.

"He'll kill himself," Ed agreed.

"Well, he might and he might not," Armstrong said.

"Sir, he's leading the 'troops' toward Central," Ross said.

"That's bad," Breda said.

"What should we do, now?" Sheska asked.

"It would be fun to see what happens to Roy when they see this," Hughes said smiling.

"So we fallow him," Ed said.

"And we make sure he doesn't get killed," Hawkeye said.

"Then let's go," Armstrong said.

Meanwhile Roy made a pit stop. The caffeine was beginning to wear off and he was thirsty. He took off the slop, toilet paper, and coffee filters and commanded his army to come to a halt, outside of a McDonald's. He walked inside.

"Welcome to McDonald's how may I help you, sir?" the cashier said.

"May I, please, have all the coffee you have here?" he asked.

"ALL OF IT!" he shouted.

"Yes," Roy replied acting way to sane for someone who had drank the equivalent of an Olympic swimming pool filled with coffee before noon.

"Ano, okay, sir," he said. "Would you like that in cups or would you like to drink it out of the coffee makers?"

"Coffee makers, I have to be environmentally conscious," Roy said.

The coffee maker was unplugged and handed over. Roy drank its full contents in two minutes, without a signal breath.

"Do you have any more?" he asked.

"Ano, that was the last of it, sir," he replied.

"Oh well," Roy said.

He walked outside. There he put one hand out in front of him pointing toward Central and shouted, "ONWARD TROOPS!" He and his spork army headed towards Central and stealing coffee from each and every fast food place on the way.

The cashier watched him leave and was about to start making more coffee when a blond teen walked in.

"Welcome to McDonald's what can I get you?" the cashier said.

"Did you just see a black haired colonel leading an army of sporks come through?"

"Yeah, he stole the coffee."

"WHAT!"

The teen ran out. "HE'S HAD MORE COFFEE!"

End Chapter

Next chapter will have homunculi and Scar.


	4. Karaoke From HELL

Disclaimer: If I owned Fullmetal Alchemist, one do you really think this wouldn't be an episode? and two, there would be a lot more EdXRoy.

SPECIAL CHAPTER DISCLAIMER: I do not, I repeat, I do not own "Holiday" which is by Greenday.

Author's Note: This idea came from reading A superdooper happy funtastic week, by Harada Risa.

Thanks Harada Risa, FiReChAoS347, Madam Midnight, kori hime, crazgrl017, Shale 101, A Mid-Boss named Malik, Chaos of Hearts, Aseret Kitsune, Yuki/Inuyasha/YamiLover, Dragons Maiden, and Aysha's Damn Username.

**Dragons Maiden: **blush Did I really do that? looks up definition Plowed but left unseeded during a growing season. blink That is far from what I met, but since it is a word, my beta coughSpellcheckercough didn't catch it. I'm sorry. I'll probably change it later, if I wasn't so lazy.

I've been asked to do one of these stories with an insane Ed. I've also been asked about miniskirts. This is my answer:

**SEQUEL IN THE WORKS**. TWT five years after this one. Ed will be 21. Ed will be drunk. The title will be **I Bet**. IT WILL BE ROYXED, this one is no pairing.

This is a crack fic.

**WARNING: SINCE THE SINS AND SCAR ARE IN THIS, THERE ARE SOME MINOR, (SOME NOT SO) SPOILERS, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.**

Info from http / www . fullmetalalchemist . info / character3 . html Spoiler warnings.

* * *

**I'll Be Fuhrer**

**Chapter Four: Karaoke From HELL**

The very insane colonel and commander-in-chief of the armed sporks strode into Central. By now, word had spread that the colonel of Eastern Headquarters had lost his mind from drinking too much coffee and was now heading for Central HQ with the goal of taking it over by organizing a military coup using an army of transmuted sporks. So of course, everyone had been ordered to set up millions of port o' potties and that coffee was illegal for the time being.

Roy went into the grocery store, he was hungry and a bit thirsty. Walking down the aisle, followed by his most loyal sporks, General Spock, General Egghead, and General Porcupine, he grabbed whatever looked appetizing. That was until he walked down the coffee aisle. Everything clattered to the floor as he looked at all of the coffee in the aisle. Sure it wasn't made, but he'd heard the beans were even better than the drink.

He walked up to a can of coffee grounds and opened it. Tipping his head back he poured the grounds directly into his mouth, this did not help his sanity any.

* * *

**Meanwhile**

Maes, Alexander, Heymans, Jean, Maria, Vato, Kain, Denny, Sheska, Riza, Edward, and Alphonse walked into Central.

"Great," Denny said, "we lost him."

"Well, we do know his goal," Riza said.

"But can we beat him there?" Kain said.

"He'll probably stop somewhere for more coffee, like he did leaving East City," Edward said.

"But how do we know that?" Alexander said.

"He walked clear across the country in five days," Maes began. "He's probably hungry and thirsty. He'll probably raid a restaurant, a coffee house, a liquor store, a grocery store, or some poor private citizen's pantry."

"My money's on the grocery store," Maria said.

"Why?" Jean asked.

"Because he's leaving that one and we are standing amidst an army of sporks who are stabbing our ankles," Sheska answered, pointing.

Sure enough Roy stepped out of the grocery store, now swinging a bottle in a paper bag. With him were three sporks, Envy, Lust, Gluttony, and Scar, the latter four seemed to be both drunk and high.

* * *

**Earlier, at the Grocery Store**

Roy had finished up about ten cans when he heard someone singing:

"Hear the sound of the falling rain  
Coming down like an Armageddon flame"

Another voice joined in and what sounded like someone using their stomach as a drum started beating.

"The shame  
The ones who died without a name  
Hear the dogs howling out of key"

Yet another voice, Scar's, joined the duet.

"To a hymn called "Faith and Misery"  
And bleed the company lost the war today"

Roy decided to find these singers and joined at that point.

"I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies  
This is the dawning of the rest of our lives  
On Holiday"

Roy found the sins Envy and Lust with arms around Scar singing while Gluttony beat his stomach like a drum. So this is what the villans did on their off time?

"Hear the drum pounding out of time  
Another protester has crossed the line  
To find the money's on the other side  
Can I get another AMEN?

Roy wrapped an arm around Envy's shoulder shouting and singing with them.

"There's a flag wrapped around a score of men  
A gag  
A plastic bag on a monument"

Lust passed a bottle to Roy, who promptly washed down all the coffee with...a Starbucks Frappuccino.

"I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies  
This is the dawning of the rest of our lives  
On holiday"

They seemed to have an unspoken agreement that Roy would solo here and he took it after Envy said, "The representative of California has the floor"

"Zieg heil to the president gasman  
Bombs away is your punishment  
Pulverize the Eiffel Towers  
Who Critize your Government"

On "gasman" "punishment" "Towers" and "Government" the other three had shouted the words.

"Bang Bang goes the broken glass  
Kill all the fags that don't agree  
Trials by fire setting fire  
Is not a way that's meant for me"

At the word fire Roy snapped his fingers setting fire to the store manager who was coming to the cash register they had migrated to. The microphone was one and their voices were carrying throughout the store through the P.A. system.

"Just cause-just cause-because were Outlaws YEAH!"

The other three rejoined him at this point to finish the song as the manger pushed the quintet out the door.

"I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies  
This is the dawning of the rest of our lives  
I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies  
This is the dawning of the rest of our lives  
This is our lives on holiday"

With one last shove the quintet were out the door swinging bottles in paper bags and singing like drunk sailors.

* * *

End Chapter

End note: I found out that zieg heil is German for hesitated safely on http / www . freetranslation . com / Just a little information.

Next chapter: Who is more insane? The fuhrer? Or Roy?


	5. Sporks vs Blue Pajamas

Disclaimer: If I owned Fullmetal Alchemist, one do you really think this wouldn't be an episode? and two, there would be a lot more EdXRoy.

Author's Note: This idea came from reading A superdooper happy funtastic week, by Harada Risa.

Thanks Harada Risa, FiReChAoS347, Madam Midnight, kori hime, crazgrl017, Shale 101, A Mid-Boss named Malik, Chaos of Hearts, Aseret Kitsune, Yuki/Inuyasha/YamiLover, Dragons Maiden, Aysha's Damn Username, Scar's fangurl, FantasyFreak, and Shingo-sama.

**Dustwind: **My dream is to raise an army of sporks and rule the world and shh...they don't know that yet. I can't believe this was speechless quality.

**Shingo-sama: **You're not short, Ed is. laughs and gets clobbered by an enraged alchemist

**FantasyFreak:** Well, it wasn't sugar, but I imagine sugar would have the same effect as this.

**Scar's fangurl: **Sorry, Scar was just the unlucky fifth member of my quintet. I like the word quintet.

**Dragon's Maiden: **_Uses ninja CPR to revive Dragon's Maiden _THANK YOU! I think I might need one this chapter.

**Aseret Kitsune: **_Bows _I aim to please.

**Shale 101: **I was debating whether to do the spoiler name or the non-spoiler name. In fact that is probably the only thing that I'm stuck on. I won't be using it, though because this is obviously before episode 25 (manga chapter 15), though you get foreshadowing from episode 20 and beyond, at least.

**Advertisement:** Read **Shingo-sama**'s. Also read **A superdooper happy funtastic week**, by **Harada Risa**, she has said that this is the sequel of it. Read **Dragon's Maiden**'s fics as well.

I've been asked to do one of these stories with an insane Ed. I've also been asked about miniskirts. This is my answer:

**SEQUEL IN THE WORKS**. TWT five years after this one. Ed will be 21. Ed will be drunk. The title will be **I Bet**. IT WILL BE ROYXED, this one is no pairing.

This is a crack fic.

**WARNING: SINCE THE SINS AND SCAR ARE IN THIS, THERE ARE SOME MINOR, (SOME NOT SO) SPOILERS, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.**

Info from http / www . fullmetalalchemist . info / character3 . html Spoiler warnings.

I realize that some characters have been majorly out of character as far as crack fics IC goes. So I will change that this chapter. Or do an extreme parody of the crack fic charactertures.

**I'll Be Fuhrer  
Chapter Five: Sporks vs. Blue Pajamas **

The three sins, Scar, Ed, Roy, and the army of sporks laughed manically underneath the flag pole outside of Central HQ. That, except the army of sporks, who couldn't laugh, and Ed, who really didn't want to be there, but was because he was dragged there.

How did they get there?

**Earlier

* * *

**

Ed shook a spork off his leg and kicked it toward the colonel. "Taisa's one messed up man," he said.

"You can say that again," Havoc said, repeating Ed's actions.

"Taisa's one messed up man," Ed repeated.

"I meant metaphorically," Havoc said, sweat dropping.

"Oh," Ed said, blushing. "You know, no one has made a crack about my height since before this crisis started."

"And you are knocking the fact." Hawkeye said shocked,

"No, I'm saying..." he was cut off, however, by Envy.

"Hey, Chibi-chan," Envy shouted.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING AN ULTRA CHIBI MICRO BEAN WHO IS SO TINY THAT HE CAN SLIP BETWEEN THE MOLECULES OF THE CHEWING GUM STUCK TO THE BOTTOM OF AN ANT'S SNEAKER, IF THE ANT STEPPED ON HIM!" Ed said. "Cool, I haven't lost the touch."

Everyone sweatdropped and shouted, "HE DIDN'T SAY THAT MUCH!"

"Yeah, but he implied it," Ed said.

"Fullmetal, you should join us." Lust said… well, lustfully.

"Ano...Maybe later," Ed replied.

Gluttony and Scar began pulling the alchemist along, and everyone sweatdropped.

"Nii-san?" Al asked, uncertainly.

"I'LL BE FINE!" Ed shouted. "YOU JUST WORRY ABOUT YOURSELVES!"

"For such a short person, he has really good lungs," Winry said, popping up.

"**WHO ARE YOU** CALLING ULTRA short chibi…" Ed shouted, his voice fading into the distance.

"And ears..." Fuery commented.

"He could be one of the Armstrong line; we Armstrongs are famous for our good lungs and ears." Said...guess who? ARMSTRONG. Give yourselves a nice round of applause. Armstrong sparkled a bit before he realized that everyone was already following Ed, except Sheska who had her nose in a book, not caring that there were still sporks... sporking her legs.

When they caught up with Roy, they found that the he and Envy were busy breaking into the Fuhrer's house. The army of sporks was preventing them from reaching Ed to save him. There _is_ only a certain number of times one can get sporked in the ankles.

"So what now?" Hawkeye asked.

"We can take a picture," Hughes said. "Or, I can show them all pictures of my cute little Elysia-chan." He pulled out fifty or so pictures from his amazing picture space. "Here's one of her riding her tricycle. Here's one of her on the carousel..."

They tuned him out.

"Any valuable suggestions?" Al asked.

Winry pulled out a wrench and let fly. It clobbered Lust upside the head. "OW! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?"

"FOR STEALING MY BELOVED!" Winry shouted back.

"YOUR BELOVED! I BELIEVE HE'S MY BELOVED!" Lust shouted.

"SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU!" Envy said, "WE ALL KNOW HE'S MY BELOVED!"

Everyone sweatdropped.

"Don't I get a say in this?" Ed asked.

"NO!" Everyone shouted.

Roy, who really was Ed's beloved (AN: AGG...I said I wasn't doing shonen-ai, and I go and write it in), was busy in the Fuhrer's bedroom with... getting the Fuhrer's baby blue pajamas. The Fuhrer had baby blue pajamas with white clouds, and a matching night cap.

"I'VE GOT IT!" he shouted, saving Ed the embarrassment of another cat fight between Envy, Lust, Winry, Al, Havoc, Scar, Fuery, Hawkeye, Breda, Farman, Hughes, Sheska, and Armstrong, about who he loved more. (AN: This issue will be covered in the sequel.)

The group marched on.

* * *

**Back to the beginning **

Ed looked up at the flag pole. Anyone who looked out of the windows or walked down the street would see the Fuhrer's blue pajamas flapping in the breeze, along with a pair of white boxers with..."I'M ONE SEXY FUHRER!" written in bright pink lettering. This was a clear challenge to the Fuhrer, that Roy Mustang wanted a crazy duel.

What's a crazy duel?

A crazy duel is where two crazy people see whose ideas are crazier and who has more support of the people.

So, of course, the audience magically arrived.

"I'M COLONEL ROY MUSTANG, AKA 'THE FLAME ALCHEMIST', AND I CHALLENGE FUHRER KING BRADLEY TO A CRAZY DUEL FOR HIS CROWN!"

"I AM FUHRER KING BRADLEY AND I ACCEPT COLONEL ROY MUSTANG, AKA 'THE FLAME ALCHEMIST'S, CHALLENGE FOR MY CROWN, AS CRAZIEST MAN IN THE ARMY!"

Everyone sweatdropped. Then double sweatdropped when Ed was thrown in the middle to judge the contest.

"OKAY, RULES ARE SIMPLE! THE CRAZY METER WILL TELL US WHO IS CRAZIER, CURRENT FUHRER BRADLEY OR CHALLENGER MUSTANG. YOU HAVE THREE TRIES EACH TO FILL THE CRAZY METER ON YOUR SIDE. IF NEITHER HAVE FILLED UP THEIR METER, WHO EVER HAS THE MOST WILL WIN!" Ed began as a meter was brought out. The meter was strangely a large graduated cylinder with Nickelodeon slime above it. "NEITHER CONTESTANT IS ALLOWED TO HARM THEMSELVES, ANOTHER CONTESTANT, OR THE AUDIENCE, WHICH IS JUDGING AND FILLING YOUR CRAZY METER. WE WILL BEGIN IN FIVE... FOUR... THREE... TWO... ONE... BEGIN!"

End Chapter

* * *

_Sticks out tongue _Thought I was going to only do five chapters? Well the final chapter is next time and will be probably very random.

TELL ME:  
What do you want them to do?  
Who do you want to win? (Probably won't listen to)  
Do you want SUDDEN CRAZY ELIMINATION? (more about that if you want it)


	6. Everything Blows

Disclaimer: If I owned Fullmetal Alchemist, one do you really think this wouldn't be an episode? and two, there would be a lot more EdXRoy.

Author's Note: This idea came from reading **A superdooper happy funtastic week**, by **Harada Risa**.

I adapted an idea from **Edward Elric, Live and Uncensored **by **Bethany-Hime** for this chapter.

Thanks Harada Risa, FiReChAoS347, Madam Midnight, kori hime, crazgrl017, Shale 101, A Mid-Boss named Malik, Chaos of Hearts, Aseret Kitsune, Yuki/Inuyasha/YamiLover, Dragons Maiden, Aysha's Damn Username, Scar's fangurl, FantasyFreak, Shingo-sama, Someone with a sick mind, Evil person, kyocat3, wouldntyouliketoknow, Icy Wolf Rage, and Inu.

**Someone with a sick mind: **I will use it for an alternate ending, but because some of my reviewers aren't as happy with Shounen-ai as we are, so it won't be the regular ending. Just go to the alternate ending section at the end. First alternate ending.

**Harada Risa: **1. Okay. 2. Of course. 3. Definitely.

**Scar's fangurl: **I'm glad you like it.

**Evil person: **Why would you doubt my idol would lose?

**kyocat3: **Alternate endings are for that, but you'll have to read the sequel for the feud. I think I can work in the rest of that. I hope you're okay; seven painkillers can be dangerous, at least my mom tells me that. Second alternate ending.

**Shale 101: **Your wish shall be granted.

**Fantasy Freak: **That is the third alternate ending.

**Dragons Maiden**: Definitely. They do that in the original and the third alternate ending.

**Aseret Kitsune: **I'm glad you like it. Yes, I've decided I will do that.

**Yuki/Inuyasha/YamiLover: **Got it. I'm glad you like it.

**wouldntyouliketoknow: **I like your idea, but about the second part, that will be part of the third alternate ending.

**Icy Wolf Rage: **Yes Roy+Coffeeinsanity. That idea that I said when I reviewed FMA Drabbles, I can't use until the sequel. However, I do sneak some shounen-ai into the first alternate ending.

**Inu: **Glad you enjoyed it.

**Advertisement:** Read **Shingo-sama**'s. Also read **A superdooper happy funtastic week**, by **Harada Risa**, she has said that this is the sequel of it. Read **Dragon's Maiden**'s fics as well.

I've been asked to do one of these stories with an insane Ed. I've also been asked about miniskirts. This is my answer:

**SEQUEL IN THE WORKS**. TWT five years after this one. Ed will be 21. Ed will be drunk. The title will be **I Bet**. IT WILL BE ROYXED, this one is no pairing.

This is a crack fic.

**WARNING: SINCE THE SINS AND SCAR ARE IN THIS, THERE ARE SOME MINOR, (SOME NOT SO) SPOILERS, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.**

Info from http / www . fullmetalalchemist . info / character3 . html Spoiler warnings.

Because of the wide variety of responses chapter five got this fic includes three alternate endings. One is Shounen-ai (for **Someone with a sick mind **and **Icy Wolf Rage**), two is an Ed wins (for **kyocat3**), and three is traitor sporks (for **FantasyFreak**, **Dragons Maiden**, and **wouldntyouliketoknow?**).

**CHAPTER WARNING: **Spork molestation ahead.

This story has been dedicated to my wonderful reviewers who have pushed me to complete my first multi-chapter fic.

* * *

**I'll Be Fuhrer  
Chapter Six: Everything Blows**

Ed jumped out of the way as...nothing happened. Everyone blinked. "HELLO, I SAID BEGIN!"

"YOU FORGOT ABOUT SUDDEN CRAZY ELIMINATION!" both contestants shouted simultaneously.

Everyone sweatdropped. "DO I HAVE TO? CAN'T YOU TWO DECIDE THIS WITHOUT IT?"

"NO!"

Ed pulled out a _Crazy Duel Official Handbook, 3rd edition_. "SUDDEN CRAZY ELIMINATION WILL BE USED ONLY IN THE EXTREME CASE WHERE NEITHER CONTESTANT HAS WON AFTER THREE ROUNDS. SHOULD THE OFFICIAL JUDGE OF THE DUEL HAVE TO RESORT TO THIS, CONTESTANTS WILL BE BLINDFOLDED AND STRIPED. WHICHEVER LAUGHS FIRST IS THE LOSER."

All the straight men and lesbians feared this because both contestants were men.

"NOW BEGIN!" Ed shouted.

The two contestants stared at each other before Roy got a smirk on his face and grabbed Private First Class Yolanda Spork. He than proceeded to stick the dirty spork into his mouth and...well...be dirty to it. Do the details need to be printed?

Half the audience was torn between barfing and laughing so did both, while the other half were just laughing. That was good for a quarter of the gauge.

"AND COLONEL MUSTANGS OPENS THE MATCH WITH SPORK MOLESTATION! SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME THAT IS AGAINST THE LAW!"

Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye pulled out a large law book, _Amestris Laws, 1,000th edition_, "MOLESTATION: THE ACT OF SUBJECTING SOMEONE TO UNWANTED OR IMPROPER SEXUAL ADVANCES OR ACTIVITY."

"THANK YOU LIEUTENANT!" Ed shouted sarcastically.

"JUST TRYING TO HELP!"

"**WHY ARE WE ALL SHOUTING!**" Winry shouted over the audience.

"BECAUSE!" Ed shouted back.

The fuhrer, meanwhile, was deep in thought. "PLEASE EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT, I NEED TO GET SOMETHING FROM MY OFFICE!"

"FUHRER BRADLEY HAS GOT FIVE MINUTES TO RUN UP TO HIS OFFICE AND GET A MYSTERIOUS ITEM, HOW WILL THIS HELP HIM WIN?" Ed shouted, now doing commentary obviously.

Five minutes later and Bradley called Hughes forward. "LIEUTENANT COLONEL HUGHES!"

"ME!" said Lt. Col. asked.

"NO, YOUR DOG!"

"BUT WE DON'T HAVE A DOG," everyone sweatdropped at this answer.

"HUGHES JUST GET OVER HERE!"

"OKAY! OKAY!" he said, shooting a look at Roy that said, _I'm sorry_.

"I GOT A PICTURE OF ELYSIA BLOWN UP ONE MILLION TIMES, WHY DON'T YOU SHARE IT WITH EVERYONE?" he held out an extra large sheet of paper.

"REALLY," Hughes asked, his eyes dancing in merriment at the mention of not being yelled at for his favorite pass time.

"REALLY, REALLY!"

"YEAH!"

"THIS IS HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS AS NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND...OKAY NO ONE WHO EVER HAD A SANE THOUGHT...OKAY NO ONE ON THE FACE OF THE WORLD WOULD GIVE LT. COL. HUGHES A CHANCE AT SHOWING A PICTURE OF ELYSIA-CHAN TO US ALL! I MUST REMIND OUR CONTESTANT THAT TORTURE IS A WAY OF HARMING THE AUDIENCE, EVEN IF THAT IS ONLY MENTAL TORTURE."

Hughes, of course, wasn't paying attention and unrolled the photo. Let's just say it was definitely not Elysia-chan.

The picture was of Roy licking a pussy...cat. The way he was licking it in the photo indicated he either wanted a sexual relationship with the animal or was grooming it.

"PUSSY ABUSER!" Al shouted from the middle section.

Ed looked at him and wondered about his own brother's sanity.

The rest of the audience laughed. It didn't get as big of a response as Roy's, but the difference was only a mere few inches.

"OOOH! BURN!" Ed said. "SEEMS LIKE THE HOME AUDIENCE ISN'T VERY LOYAL, EITHER THAT OR THEY WERE TOO DISGUESTED TO LAUGH!"

Roy's next idea was hilarious. He grabbed the flag that he'd taken off the flag pole and using his foot drew a transmutation circle in the dirt under his feet.

"LOOKS LIKE MUSTANG IS GOING TO USE ALCHEMY!" Ed said. "LET'S SEE WHAT INSANITY HE CAN TRANSMUTE."

Stripping down to his black boxer with big red lips and flames dotted all over it, he sat his clothes and the flag on his transmutation circle. Placing both hands on it the blue sparks associated with a transmutation sparked around. The flag and military uniform began to shift and change into a pink tutu.

"HE HAS A PINK TUTU!" Ed said. People were already giggling because of Roy's boxers and their natural immaturity.

Roy put the tutu on pulling his boxers so that they hung underneath the leotard. He grabbed several sporks and put mini tutus that no one had noticed amongst the large one.

"FOUR SPORKS AND MUSTANG IN PINK TUTUS. IS THIS CRUELTY TO THE AUDIENCE!" Ed said.

"YES!" several people shouted, "ONLY BECAUSE HE HAS TO WEAR A TUTU AND BOXERS!"

Ed began to pull out tissues as the images from certain audience members filled his mind. "PREVERTED AUDIENCE!" he screamed.

Meanwhile Roy began to dance. He had commanded the sporks to help him with an insane reenactment of _Swan Lake _staring Roy and the sporks. He even grabbed Ed and looked like he was about to kiss the judge, but stopped and went into song when Ed gave him a look that said, 'Kiss me and you won't be kissing anyone ever again.'

Roy bowed at the end of his performance. Everyone burst out into in to laughter that wasn't about to end any time soon. The meter kept getting fuller and fuller.

When the laughter stopped Ed shouted "TWO THIRDS FULL!"

Several audience members cheered about that.

"HOW WILL FUHRER BADLEY RESPOND TO THIS TOUGH CHALLENGE?"

Bradley seemed to think and then he did the craziest thing the world...yoga.

Everyone wondered if they should laugh or sweatdrop. They chose to laugh, especially when Bradley manage to get himself in a position that he could give himself a blow job if he wanted. Then he got stuck.

"HE'S STUCK!" Ed said as the laugh o' meter made it to two thirds.

Roy frowned and shouted, "SPORKS WILD CARD!"

Everyone looked at him like he was insane, which he was.

The sporks, though, seemed to know what this meant and began to run through the city.

About half an hour later they returned with every bit of coffee in the city, more sporks, and pink paint.

He began eating/drinking the coffee while drawing the pink transmutation circle. The circle dried and all the sporks stood on it with more.

Placing his hands on the circle he took a deep breath and began to transmute the sporks. A larger army of sporks began to form and the sporks evolved.

Dirt gave them features and the coffee around them hyped them up. As soon as he was done the sporks went insane and began doing even crazier things than Roy could do alone. Of course no one really knew what they did because the memory of the event was blocked from everyone's mind.

People laughed as the ground exploded upwards and the sporks tried to take over their brains. There was an inch left.

Bradley looked at Roy and suddenly brought up a tissue and wiped his sword.

Sporks fell to the ground and people cried instead of laughed.

"DON'T HURT THE SPORKS, THEY MAY NOT BE HUMAN, BUT THEY ARE INNOCENT SOLDIER'S JUST DOING THEIR JOBS," someone _cough_Fuery_cough_ shouted.

"SUDDENLY CRAZY ELIMINATION HAS BEEN DECLARED, GOD, OR GATE, HELP US ALL!"

Ed and Envy stepped forward to undress and blindfold the contestants. Envy pulled out two black silk blindfolds out of his top and handed one to Ed. "I'd rather blindfold you and drag you off, but for now..."

"They should call you the sin of sex, you seem to want it all the time," Ed said heading over to Roy.

It wasn't an easy task to blindfold Roy as he had drank/ate half the coffee in Central city, and he still hadn't gone to the bathroom, which made everyone wonder if he had a prostate problem.

Ed finally got Roy blindfolded and just transmuted Roy's clothes off of him.

Envy had an easier time, but more clothes, and no alchemy, to take off the fuhrer.

"ON THE COUNT OF THREE REMOVE THE BLINDFOLD!" Ed shouted. "ONE! TWO! THREE!" both contestants had their blindfolds removed and almost instantly Bradley burst out laughing.

"MUSTANG WINS!" Ed shouted as everyone realized that the reason was that Roy was a bit smaller than Bradley.

* * *

**Alternate Ending 1**

Roy grabbed Ed at the end of his dance and kissed him. Ed just about fainted.

Not to be out done, Bradley grabbed Ed and did the same, of course this didn't have the same effect.

Roy got pissed, "STOP KISSING, CHIBI-KOI!"

Ed got pissed, "STOP CALLING ME SHORT!"

"SHORTY CHIBI-KOI!"

"OLDY MOLDY!"

"CHIBI-KOI!"

"OLDY!"

**Five Minutes Later**

"SHUT UP!"

Both shut up and really shut up when Bradley grabbed Roy and kissed him.

"DON'T KISS OLDY-KOI!"

Ed transmuted his automail into a sword.

Unfortunately the rest is lost as the rage Ed went into destroyed the video camera.

* * *

**Alternate Ending 2**

Ed was sexy. At least that is what everyone said.

"ED-SAMA IS MINE!" Winry shouted.

"NO, HE'S MINE!" Lust shouted.

"YOU'RE BOTH WRONG, HE'S MINE!" Envy shouted.

"I WANT ED, TOO," Gluttony said with a finger in his mouth, "HE LOOKS YUMMY!"

"HE'S MY NII-SAN, SO HE'S MINE!"

"NO, HE'S MINE!" Hughes said.

"HE LIKES THE TASTE OF CIGARETTES MORE!"

"HE'S KIND TO ANIMALS," Fuery shouted.

"HE'S A HARD WORKER!" Farman said.

"HE KNOWS HOW TO PRANK PEOPLE," Breda shouted.

"HE HAS COMMON SENSE!" Hawkeye shouted.

"HE PUTS UP A GOOD FIGHT," Scar said.

"HE'S SMART!" Roy shouted.

"HE'S AN EXTREMELY TALENTED INDIVIDUAL AND WOULD BE A GREAT PRIDE TO THE ARMSTRONG FAMILY!"

"HE HAS SELF CONTROL!"

"HEE HEE HEE!" Ed began to giggle insanely as he popped the lid to a bottle of pain killers and swallowed them all.

Chickens began to come flocking in from Lior, they came to fight the green camels that were three inches and sitting on Ed's shoulders.

Ten feet long mice came to take over the world, their leader shouted, "HEIL PLUTO!"

Ed made funny clicking noises and suddenly seven foot tall spider monkeys showed up and shouted, "HEIL ED-SAMA, DESTROY EVIL MICE!"

As reward for destroying the evil chickens and mice, the people of Amestris made Ed their new fuhrer.

Suddenly Ed woke up. An IV drip in his arm caught his attention. "Why do I have an IV drip?"

"Because you were having a crack dream without crack, so we thought you should have some crack," Roy said.

* * *

**Alternate Ending 3**

Suddenly the sporks turned to Roy and simultaneously shouted, "HEIL GENERAL SPOCK!"

"WHAT!"

"GENERAL SPOCK! GENERAL SPOCK!"

"BY POPULAR SUPPORT OF THE INSANE SPORKS THAT HAVE DEVELOPED A SENITATE MIND, WE NOW PRONOUNCE GENERAL SPORK THE FUHRER!"

Everyone cheered and lived happily ever after.

* * *

_**Owari  
Fin  
The End**_

I finally finished a multi-chapter fic! THANK YOU ALL!

The sequel will be out as soon as I finish Pretty Kitty.


End file.
